


my hellevator.

by hyuwuins (orphan_account)



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Heavy Angst, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Teen Angst, jilix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 11:48:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16974057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/hyuwuins
Summary: felix can't see the light anymore.not without his best friend by his side.





	my hellevator.

lee felix hasn't been the same ever since one day.

the day his best friend took his own life away.

a boy named han jisung - they grew up together. meeting in kindergarten, they have been doing everything unitedly. 

despite being best friends, jisung has never told felix about his own state, own emotions. it was incredibly difficult for him to talk about his father's cruel behavior as well as the passing of his mother. accusing his own son, his father only worsened the misery inside the little boy's heart. 

and it never changed.

felix had never seen the blue-ish, painful looking bruises on his friend back, only noticed his achingly fake smiles and laughs. keeping a smiley face even at the worst - this was his friend's real strength. 

being everyone's sunshine, except your own.

one day his best friend couldn't carry it anymore. everything just seemed so dark, as if the sun had gone away forever. 

the sunshine never made him smile anymore, he didn't notice when the slight breeze hit his skin, stormy times just made it all worse. 

he felt the sorrow ruining him from the inside, day by day. 

and one day he didn't wake up to fight his battle for another day. 

that day made felix the most worthless human on the earth. 

the day he lost his best friend.

a letter was everything that remained from his best friend. 

"dear felix,  
i'm sorry. i'm so sorry i know i should have told you all of this but i just couldn't get myself to it. it was so hard to talk about.  
my dad has been beating me up for years now. every day, he tells me that i'm worthless and i'm the reason for the death of my mother.  
i can't bear it anymore.  
at this point, everything just seems as if it's a dream, you know? having the constant feeling that nothing's real anymore. i'm just hoping to wake up one day and meet something totally different, something better. i kept giving false hope to myself but in the end, it doesn't matter. it never actually did.  
i hate what's happening in my life right now, it's really hard.  
but whenever you witnessed me being down, never failed to make me truly happy, even just for a split moment. you remind me to keep my head above the water, keep chasing those stupid dreams - this is what kept me going at my worst. and i've been trying. really.  
i didn't want to give up.  
but nothing's so easy.  
you're the only person that told me i mattered. you have been by my side. never leaving me alone.  
i know what i'm doing is selfish but it's so hard now, you know? i can't keep doing it.  
everything feels so unbearably heavy now and i don't think i'm able to escape it anymore.  
i'm very thankful to you and i love you a lot. i really do.  
i lost my battle but i want you to keep fighting yours. i believe in you. i always have.  
don't learn from me. don't give up.  
i want you to be strong.  
i hope i can meet you again, one day.  
\- h"

felix was sitting in a cold bathtub, hugging the letter to his chest with one hand, holding a heap of pills in the other one. 

he couldn't keep going without his best friend. every day got darker and darker without him. 

missing his soulmate, felix woke up with sorrow each day. 

reading the letter was the last thing he wanted to do before taking away his own life. the closing words of his friend made him tear up again. jisung was everything felix ever needed to be happy and now he's gone.

what was the point of feeling it all?

silent words were to suffocate him as the thought of the boy leaped in his mind. 

he slowly opened his mouth just to welcome the thought of death, he'd been wanting for so long now. 

"i can't keep it up alone... why did you have to leave me too? you knew you were everyone i had. i just... i miss you. i miss you so much."

felix's words were quiet and shaky as he started dosing the pills.

"i... i want to see you again."

his eyes closed as the strength left his whole body. the letter in his lap, the boy wandered off to a place he's never been before.

a beautiful field was everything he saw. purple flowers all over it, vivid orange sky containing various shades of red. the ground under his feet felt as if he was meant to be there. he bent down just to touch the wonderful flowers and they felt very soft.

it felt peaceful and uplifting.

suddenly, felix felt alive. 

soon, the boy heard a very familiar noise.

a laugh.

he immediately knew who it belonged to.

his best friend.

a boy appeared in his viewpoint as he turned around.

it really was him.

it was jisung.

he wore a pretty smile on his face but not a fake one this time. with shiny eyes, he looked at his best friend. their eyesight connected and felix saw it all.

the pure happiness on his best friends face.

jisung waved at felix, telling him to go with him without words.

felix felt something really warm spreading under his skin, around his heart.

it was a feeling of pure happiness, after a lingering and tiring season.

he just watched as jisung kept walking in the direction of the sun, eyes on felix. the freckled boy felt his body move by its own will as he started following his best friend but something stopped him. 

everything had fallen apart in a second.

felix woke up in a strange and unfamiliar place. 

cold. it was very cold.

just like the feeling of the bathtub. the dark room he's been in.

the strong, vivid white lights hurt his eyes as he opened them. wires connecting his body to different kinds of machines, he started to feel anxious. 

sitting up, felix saw someone sitting in the room. a man. it was his own father. the blonde boy opened his mouth, letting the strength, leave his body, falling back onto the bed.

"where am i?" his voice was shaky and raspy, sounding tired and worn out.

"finally, you're awake!" the man stood up, going closer to his son's bed but the boy's eyes filled up with tears.

he hated this.

he hated all of this.

the feeling of being here. the people, the unfamiliar room, everything. 

"you're in a hospital... suicide attempt." his father's words were unsteady as he spoke to his son.

felix shook his head.

"i wanna go back."

getting startled at his son's words, his father tried to reply to him.

"what? home? you can go home soon, but you took a lot of pills-"

"no, not home... it was... a field. a field full of purple flowers, and... it was so peaceful. i saw jisung there. he was smiling at me and- i just wanna go back." felix broke out in tears, trying to look at his father. soon the room's got filled with sadness and distressful emotions.

"no... y-you can't go back there. you belong here with me, with your family, and-" 

"no! i-i don't... i wanna go back, please, just let me go back... i want to see him again..." felix tried to speak clearly but the tears stopped him. 

he felt so broken. 

so empty without him. 

he already missed that uplifting atmosphere.

"you can't... you can't go back there..." his dad stood up, hugging the crying boy so tightly, to make him forget all his worries.

but the cold never left felix.

not even for one second.


End file.
